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THOUGHTS FOR OLD FOGIES

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably

the greatest political sage this country has ever known.  Enjoy the following:

1.  Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.  There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5.  Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. 

      The few who learn by observation. 

      The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10.  If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then

       to make sure it's still there.

11.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. 

        He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. 

        The moral:  When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~        Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying

                     about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~   The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~      Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people

                     to know "why" I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of

                     the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~     When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,

                      think of Algebra.

Fifth ~        You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~        I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is

                     such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~   One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~     Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~     Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,

                    it was called witchcraft.  Today it's called golf

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,

                           you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

COMPUTER BUG! >>>>>>

COURT HUMOR

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,

and are things people actually said in court, word for word,

taken down and now published by court reporters that had

the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually

taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said

to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

 ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you  in at the moment

of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

 ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect

your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example

of something you forgot?

 ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever

been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person

dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how

old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

 ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)

was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you > > doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid

 ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different

attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first  marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death > > was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

 ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

 _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance  here this morning pursuant

to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

 _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did

you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive

when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been

alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

and practicing law.

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE CORNY JOKES

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" to which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

SVEN AND OLAF

HORMONE NEWS

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

SHE WAS SO BLONDE

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she tried to drown a fish.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".

...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.

...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

...she sold the car for gas money.

...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

GETTIN OLD

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds
fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in your oatmeal!"

DANCING DUCK

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

OLD AGAIN

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.  She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up! "  After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"  "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

     *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.  "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.  "To make myself beautiful," she said.  She then began removing the cream with a tissue.  Little Johnny watched and then asked, "What's the matter, mommy?  Giving up?"

     *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and said, "Johnny!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"  Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

       *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  "Yes," said the policeman.  "The detectives want very badly to capture him."  Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

       *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *    *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.  He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.  After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"  His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them."  Little Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad -- I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

AND YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE HAVING A BAD DAY

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR ME

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one  for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his  bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He  slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for  me.
One for you, one for me."                                                                              
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on  his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't  believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been  telling' me the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the  fence, yet were still
unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of  the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see  it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted, though, the man  hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for  you, one for me.
One for you, One for me...              


At last they heard, "One for you, one for me.  OK . . That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be  done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 2 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

One day a long, long time ago,

there lived a woman who never complained,

whined or nagged---

But that was only for one day and it was a long

long time ago!

 

 

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE   Beauty is only a light switch away. Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC   If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO   No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC   At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ   It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ   Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED! Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT   If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books New York , New York .   If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington , DC   Express Lane: Five beers or less Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ   You're too good for him. Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA   No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hill s ,CA ~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~   A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

---

 

KILLIN CHICKENS

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Daddy. The 
reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

                                                       

YARD SALE

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.

"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

CHELSEA

Chelsea Clinton asked a returning US Soldier about fear.
 

 He said there were only 3 things he was afraid of:
 
 Osama, Obama and Yo Mama

Guinness Book of World Records

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
in the world"

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the 
ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to  
have their claims verified.

 Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously  happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially
 the smallest person in the world."

 Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking  utterly 
confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

                             SOUTHERN WISDOM
An old southern, country preacher had a teenage son, and it was
getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and
he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was at school, his father decided to try
an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his desk
four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a
Playboy magazine.
I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to
himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which
object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like
me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going
to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good
drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he
picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy
tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted
the objects on the desk. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over
to inspect them.First he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He
then picked up the silver dollar and dropped it in his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

 "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered,
he's gonna be  a  DEMOCRAT !

MILITARY HUMOR

SAD STORY!

A father walks into a book store with his young son. 
The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for
help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee 
cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; 
takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at 
first and then ever so firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands
the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in 
the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill 
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE ON THE LEFT AND THOSE ON THE RIGHT

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I
cannot accept money from you. 'I'm doing community service this week." The
florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank
you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves
the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card
and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and
"Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the
shop.


The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
left and right.

 Summer Olympics

The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics

                            NEW CAR

I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day
complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The 
salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

Watch this!" he said, "Nelson!" The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie", he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind"
replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles,"
I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but 
as I swerved to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the French
National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand,
backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on 
guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on 
tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax 
and.......................

 Ted Kennedy on scotch.
 Wow, I LOVE this car!!!

 (click Run after it loads)

PREGNANT AT 63

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped
her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After
listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young
doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the
older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown
children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does
she still have the hiccups?"

FIX THE OUTHOUSE

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa,  You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma  There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!  "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,

looks around and yells back,

"Ma  There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma  Help!  My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

 

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

 

 

THREE SHORT "OLDIES"

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" " No," he replied, "arthritis."

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

 

TWISTED WISDOM

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

 

The discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of Lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become Neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass!"

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium-an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

AN OLD COWBOY  

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about wome n. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

 

RAZORBACKS

 Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the  White House; he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

 The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says:  "Nice  pigs, Sir."

 The President replies "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas
 Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for
 Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

 The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says,

 "Excellent trade, Sir."

POLISH SAUSAGE

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."
 
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
 
The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
 
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
 
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
 
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? 
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
 
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
 
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
 
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
 
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,"Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for  Polish sausage?"
 
  The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

CHURCH JOKES

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (this one is my favorite)
===========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"

and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========



Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here' s a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner!

Another new illness to watch out for!
 
     A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
     she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
    "What's the matter?" he asks.
     I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
    "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" 
    "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

 SHORT STORY
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road...
They pass each other...........
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells back out window, B I T C H
Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Thought for The Day: If only men would listen........

Important information for golfers                                                       

Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to
take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on
Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.Golf Hazard

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little
bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter
with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear
and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

A CHANGE OF HEART !

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
When this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
Table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll
See him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough,
I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if
We get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,
No more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
No more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
Babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

HUSBANDS AND WIVES

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to

her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine

and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

 

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

 

She's such a smart ass!

 

Vote For Us!

Empty Cans! Good Money?
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

VALUE OF A FEW DRINKS